My Book
Inspirations and influences
The inspiration for my book, “Feel it as a Man: a fool’s guide to relationships”, happened at the Taj Mahal in October 2017. A tour of Rajasthan and southern India took me inevitably to the Taj, and I had moderated my expectations in advance for fear of disappointment after hearing so much about it.
In fact I was transcended by the experience of seeing the Taj Mahal at dawn. After the sun rose, I sat on as bench transfixed, some way off from this magnificent memorial by the Mughal emperor Shah Jahan to his favourite wife Mumtaz Mahal. I considered my own memories, and decided to put on paper the story of my life – its successes and failures, joys and sadnesses, especially in relationships – leavened by the views of experts.
The year 2017 was a momentous one for me, which saw this trip to India and then Australia, a big birthday in March with a party in June. Also there was separation from my second wife of 30 years, the sale of our house in West Sussex, a move to rented accommodation in Winchester, and divorce, which became absolute in January 2018. That crowded year brought many feelings and thoughts to the surface. The time to think during my travels.
Feedback for the book
“Gave me so much insight as to why I think and behave in the same ways as Nick put across in a fun, emotional, and entertaining way. Through his journey I could see mine and it’s helped me to understand myself so much more”
“I read this book expecting to gain some insight into male emotions, and got so much more! This book is for both men and women wanting guidance on living a fuller, more enriching life from an author with much life experience and wisdom to share.”
This Much I Know
People have known me more as a thoughtful than an obviously emotional man, but that could be applied to many men of my post-war generation, the so called ‘baby boomers’. We grew up at a time when boys were told to be brave – ‘big boys don’t cry’, you mustn’t be a sissy’ and all that.
So I learnt to be ‘strong’ which meant that I forgot how to find and express my feelings. I am a fan of the weekly column ‘This Much I Know’ in the Sunday magazine of The Observer when celebrities discuss events which have impacted on them. The point is that each event is personal and the readers take from it what they choose.
The Process - Experiences and Knowledge
In the process of writing this book I have come across articles, books, films, videos, and theatre which have resonated with my experience. These have given me hope that this book would help me discover stuff about myself which I had denied, buried or ignored – and maybe, just maybe, help others. However, I would stress that my personal experiences may not necessarily have revealed any great truths about mankind. That’s for readers to reckon out for themselves.
The Title - Shakespeare’s shadow
This is deliberately taken from ‘Macbeth’, one of Shakespeare’s most bloody and misogynistic plays, exploring the gender differences and upending some of the assumptions about the roles of men and women.
In ‘Macbeth’, the gender roles of men and women are confused. Whenever the murderous usurper Macbeth and Lady Macbeth talk about manhood, violence follows. They both equate masculinity with aggression and violence, which are paramount in the play.
First, Lady Macbeth manipulates her husband by questioning his manhood, wishing that she could be “unsexed”. And Macbeth says that a woman like her should give birth only to boys. The aggression of the female characters goes against expectations of how women behave. The women who have roles as sources of violence and evil are:
a) The witches, whose prophecies help to fuel Macbeth’s ambitions and encourage his violent behaviour;
b) Lady Macbeth, who provides the wit and the will to her husband’s plotting.
Her behaviour suggests that women can be just as cruelly vindictive as men – a view which was borne out by the experiences of my father in the Second World War (related in the book). Lady Macbeth deceives men to achieve her objectives – rather than acting violently herself – and in the end she kills herself.
Towards the end of the play, masculinity is redefined. Malcolm encourages Macduff to take the news of the murders of his wife and child in “manly” fashion – by having his revenge on Macbeth. But Macduff suggests this is a false understanding of masculinity.
Malcolm: “Dispute it like a man.”
Macduff: “I shall do so. But I must also feel it as a man” (Macbeth Act 4 scene 3).
Feelings can be bad as well as good. But I have learned that we must always be aware of them, and dwell on them for a while, before letting them go and not allowing them to control us. That has been, and remains, one of my major challenges.
So I urge people, especially men, to stay open to feelings and emotions, and the challenges described in ‘Feel it as a Man’.